Adulting sucks.
Then you learn some awareness skills, and miraculously-it doesn’t.
Does your brain do this?
… I HAVE TO pay my bills, I HAVE to work here, I HAVE to provide for my family, I HAVE to do more research, I HAVE to get these evaluations done, I HAVE to pick up my kids, I HAVE to eat better…the list goes on and on.
I just wanted to burn my life down and quit everything.
I fantasized about escaping my adult life…
and not in a good way, more in a sick to your stomach, crap your pants, “cry in your car,” dreadful way. 😭
I felt completely trapped (and exhausted)
…and that’s the emotional stuff. I’m not even including the cognitive impact. 🤯
There is a small tool I use with my clients that helps them BE free, happy adults in a world of responsibilities.
and clarify what they REALLY want.
…and NO, it doesn’t mean you’re running, arms wide open, through flowery meadows all day. Although these new tropical file folders made me giddy.
It’s called:
Trash the Have-to’s: Transform your Life
Most SLPs (and humans) have a ticker tape in our brain of all the have-to’s in their life-
The truth is, as an adult,
there is nothing you HAVE to do.
I mean not paying your bills is an option… but most likely you are choosing not to experience a cold place with no electricity.
STEP 1.
Write down all of the “HAVE TO’s” running through your mind. This might feel overwhelming, but the point here is to get them out of your cycling brain and on paper.
STEP 2.
For each “Have-to,” write the main reason WHY you are currently doing it now. Here’s the caveat to note. As an adult everything you do IS your choice- it’s just, we forget that- and our boundaries can get very skewed. Most people have inadvertently agreed to do things they really didn’t want to. You might find yourself in a place where you haven’t consciously made these decisions; you just went through the motions and… here you are.
Good news, because now you can start to untangle all of it.
STEP 3.
Ask yourself…Do I like my reason? Like really notice how your reason makes you feel. It shouldn’t feel icky. If you like your reason- good.- go to step 4. If you don’t like your reason- that’s where you do some adjusting, boundary work and make new decisions. Work toward getting rid of those. Now you can do this work from a clearer place in your mind.
STEP 4.
Rephrase the other Have-to’s to say: I actually do WANT to _________ because__________. Practice, Rinse, Repeat
Know that you can always decide something different later it you want.
I’ll give you a simple example of my own.
I used to say: I HAVE-to work and make money. Which made me feel sick and trapped. The truth is I really don’t have to work or make money… I mean I could live on the street and who knows… I mean that IS a choice. But here’s my why, I actually do want to work and make money because I love having a home and providing for my family. I actually love that I can do that. I like that reason
One of my clients had… “I HAVE to quit this job.” Her reason was: “because I can’t take the stress.” That reason felt disappointing to her. So we worked together to set some new, intentional, reasonable, sustainable boundaries. She felt super uncomfortable telling people and following through with her new boundaries, but she stuck with it.
From there, she felt clear and confident about what she needed and wanted her career to look like. …THEN her company agreed to let her change her schedule AND hired another SLP. Now, she loves her schedule, her life and working with her clients. BUT, from that place of clarity… she was also prepared to quit if it meant sacrificing herself.
It’s about choices.
If you can sort this out for yourself, I promise you, it will have a DRASTIC mental, emotional and most likely cognitive impact in your life. 💥💥💥
Get a notebook and DO THIS WORK.
Love,
Angie
P.S. You are worthy. You add so much value to this world.❤️
P.P.S. Need scripts you can say to help you set boundaries? Print this out and give yourself easy access to it– so you can practice
